Lessons learned from grief

Yesterday was my Grandpa's birthday. He died almost a year ago. I still can't believe that much time has passed. I hate it because it makes me feel sad that he doesn't get to see Isaak grow and laugh with us about what he's doing. I'm more sad that Isaak won't know him or how much my Grandpa loved him or me for that matter. One thing I'll never doubt is how much my Grandpa loved me. Since it was his birthday I thought about him a lot. I might have cried a couple times because sometimes missing him feels so much more real. When I would go over to my grandparents house I would start talking and I love to talk. My Grandpa would always say, "Slow down young lady--my ears are old." I miss hearing him say that.
I've been reflecting on what I learned from this experience and I've learned a lot. It's truly changed me as a person. Last April my Grandpa was in the hospital and at first he was so sick. He wasn't doing well and then it changed. He started doing better. He understood more, he talked more, he laughed more. We thought we had more time with him. I visited almost everyday. On Saturday I went down to the hospital and there were quite a few people in the room. My aunt Val, my Mom and my Grandma. You might be surprised to know that I'm quite shy. I've come out of my shell a bit, but I'm still shy. I had this feeling to tell my Grandpa that I loved him so much and to thank him for all that he did for me. He was truly like a father too me, but(sometimes I hate that word) I didn't because I didn't want everybody to hear me and see me being so vulnerable. Instead I sat by Grandpa and held his hand. I listened to stories about him growing up and laughed with him. I was so glad to have that time with him. I came by and visited on Sunday, but on Monday I was preparing to go on a trip so I didn't make it over, and I got the call that he died on Tuesday Morning. The extra time that I thought had come didn't last. It was a hard time for me. But as I said I learned a lot.The first being to love those around you fiercely. Always tell them you love them and cherish them. Give people the benefit of the doubt and always look for the good in others because it's always there somewhere. Never pass up an opportunity to spend time with family even if it's inconvenient or not in accordance with your plans. I daresay that we'll hardly ever look back and say, "Sheesh-I wish I would have spent less time with my family or friends!" I'm not afraid that my Grandpa didn't know that I loved him because I know he did, but it would have been so nice to have told him that Saturday. I don't want to have to say the words, "But I never told you what I should have said. No, I never told you, I just held it in." I want to try to do my best every day to love those around me and make sure they know I care about them.

The second thing I learned is if you have a prompting or a feeling to do something-Don't delay. Just do it. Just simply do it. How much easier my life would be if I took care of things the second they came up in my mind instead of waiting for a better time. The best time is now.

Third. I need to listen to Cory more. He suggested that we not head out of town, but spend more time at the hospital instead of packing and running about. I told him that everything was fine and we should go on our vacation. We had been planning on it and were so excited. How I wish I would have listened more to his advice and maybe even more often to others advice instead of assuming that I know it all the best. I regret having missed a few more hours with my Grandpa because of my stubbornness. Maybe along with this I've learned it's important to be more flexible when plans change. Try to flow more.

In the end. I miss you Grandpa. I miss you so much, but thank you for teaching me. Thank you for teasing me and doing anything for me. Thank you for helping pay for my mission. Thanks for making my bed and changing my sheets. Thanks for buying my first car and for helping me buy my second car. Thanks for helping me when Desi cracked his head open while I was babysitting and thanks for taking care of me while I was sick. But most of all thank you for loving me. Loving me so much that it made me feel safe and special.