what do I want????

I'm all over the place. I want to buy a house. I don't want to buy a house. All my life I've lived with other people. I lived with my family at home. I then went on a mission and lived with companions that I barely knew. On coming how i moved out after a few weeks and lived with friends in an apartment then in a house. I have always lived with people around me. Even now we are renting a basement apartment and I don't ever feel lonely because I know that they are just upstairs. But I want to have my own space, but I don't want to be alone. Is that crazy? We bid on a house last week and I was so excited that we might win the house. Winning. Sounds more exciting than saying our bid got accepted. People tell me that I will love having my own space and doing what I want. The thing about that is that I'm kind of lazy or maybe I just don't care enough. It took me four years to hang up pictures on the walls here. I've also been meaning
to decorate my bedroom for two years, but I haven't pulled through yet and now I also plan to decorate Chloe and Isaaks bedroom. Maybe if it's our own house I'll feel more passion? Or maybe I will still want to spend every waking moment outside. I don't know. See I don't know what I want. The whole time waiting to see if we won our house. I was thinking what? Do I want this? I don't want to be alone! I don't know if I'm ready to own land. It's not even that great of an investment is it? The second we found out we didn't get the house I felt sad. I thought I want my own place. I don't want to hear people run around upstairs--actually this doesn't bug me at all, but other people are bugged when they come over. I find the noise comforting-aka I'm not alone. But I thought what about my garden? All that storage space? We don't have a ton of storage space now and it kind of makes me crazy trying to invent new ways to fit everything in the same place. Alas. I'm off to be confused and befuddled. Do I want a house or don't I?

One thing I am sure about though is that I love this little lady! I loved this page so I'm sneaking it in. She is truly a joy. And another thing that I don't know about is Asthma. Grr. that's me growling at Asthma. I've been reading about it a lot because it's so hard for me to figure out when Isaak is having an attack. He was having one for about two week and now we are getting it under control now that we realize that it really is an attack. Most people imagine a child turning blue and not being able to breathe, but that's a severe attack. Before hand he just doesn't sleep at nights, his cough turns horrendous and almost unstoppable, he gets dark bags under his eyes and they get all watery. I'm learning his symptoms, but it isn't always obvious. I told the doctor I was confused and he said when in doubt try albuterol and if it doesn't work then its not asthma its just a cold. Well what's crazy about that is that we try albuterol it doesn't work so we assume its a cold, but that same cold in a few days has turned into asthma and is no longer a cold, but an asthma attack. GRrrrR! This is me growling at asthma again. I hate to imagine his little airways all swollen up and full of mucous. I just want them to be normal and open. Acceptance. I'm trying. I keep thinking that asthma will magically go away. Who knows maybe it will. Okay so maybe I'm not quite to acceptance yet.